Horizons
by Maureen Mooney
Summary: One night as Agent Afloat on the USS Ronald Regan, Tony thinks about his past and future.


Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The plot is the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. I don't own NCIS.

Thank you to Rebekah Zellers for editing! :)

There was nothing going on tonight and for once I was grateful that the night was uneventful. My head pounded from all the drinking I'd been doing. If livers could cry, mine would be doing just that. Thank god I wasn't hung over tonight though. The water and sky were calm, blurring together at the edge of my vision, not from the drinking, just from the vastness. The moon was out and full, reflecting like a spotlight on the water. My Red Bull that McGee had sent me by the case was chilled and just ready to be cracked into. For some reason the caffeine sustained me on the long nights although I should have long since grown tolerant of its effects. Maybe it was a placebo effect, but it was a powerful one, one that led me to stay awake on the long nights.

I stared out on the horizon again, thinking of the vastness that surrounded me off the Atlantic. There were stars out, shining like tiny pinpricks of light. Out here on the open water they seemed magnified, almost like they pulsed with light instead of merely shining. You could get lost among those stars. Or perhaps you could get found, like the sailors and fishermen of old with their star charts, maps, and compasses plotting a way towards home or maybe even towards the ends of the earth in uncharted waters, if you were brave enough. What delights or horrors you might find. Maybe you'd even sail off the edge of the earth, who knows what might happen then. Of course now we know today that the earth is round, there are no such thing as sea monsters, and every inch of the water has been charted. But there's still that horizon. Expanded, full, majestic, full of limitless possibilities, wonder, adventure; you just have to be brave enough to want that new horizon.

The sea, calm for once, gently laps at the boat and the rolling doesn't even register to me anymore. I've gotten my sea legs by now although I know the Probie would be tossing his cookies, even on the calm water. Water meets sky in my vision and I wonder briefly if the two ever touch before dismissing the thought. Of course they don't touch. They can never truly meet. Just like anything in life. Even when you think you're holding someone's hand, there is still a barrier of molecules there. You don't see it, you don't feel it, but it's an illusion to think that you ever truly touch anything in your life. This thought makes me miss Jeanne and what we had. It was real for me, in spite of what I had to tell her when we ended things. It's a sad thought and one I throw out of my brain before it makes much more of an impact. I'd rather think about the limitless horizon and about the future.

I do my job to rescue lives; to help people. There are still the people that I've given citations to or arrested. They don't like me much and I've even been punched on the job. But for every bad or hopeless case there is a life saved or a person helped who wouldn't be was I not there to do my job. That's why I love it. And the police force and NCIS are all I've ever known. It's a good feeling to help someone else. To have someone need your help, your expertise and then they live. There's nothing like it. Honestly, I love my job. Sure the hours are long, the pay won't make anyone rich, and sometimes I barely see my apartment except to fall into my bed at the end of a case. But I wouldn't change it for the world. I know I make a difference and that's enough acknowledgement for me. That's why this new assignment confuses me and makes me angry. I know what I did. I lost the director while on protection detail. I also know what Ziva said, that it was Jenny's choice. Now Vance has made his choice. This is my punishment. Agent afloat. It's not my nature to pray, but I've been praying every night since I got here to the USS Ronald Regan that Gibbs would somehow find a way to bring me back. Gibbs. As if he'd bring me back when I could have prevented Jenny's death. Why would he want to bring someone who had done what I had done back? Not only did I lose Jenny in LA but I lied to Jeanne, played with both our hearts. I know it was an undercover assignment, I know I couldn't help it but seeing Jeanne's pain was ten times worse than my own. I can't imagine Gibbs looking at me with those same betrayed eyes. I shove the thoughts of Jenny, Jeanne and Gibbs away and picking up my can from the cooler walk to the railing of the boat. For a brief moment I consider jumping. I give myself a resounding head slap and shake off that feeling. I'll do my penance here. And when the time is up, I will go back to DC. I will ask Gibbs forgiveness, although he won't forgive me. I will not bother Jeanne; I will let her heal although that won't change anything for us. I will leave some orchids on Jenny's grave and that also won't change a damn thing. I wish I had more alcohol. I need a drink because then the alcohol could numb my brain, take away these thoughts, some of the pain. But it was all gone until McGee would send me more. I told him it was for gaining favors from the crew and he believed me. I wondered briefly what he would say if he knew I was drinking it all. For now though, the sea is calm, the waves are low, no one needs me right now, the moon and stars are giving off there same ethereal glow they always do and I think I could crack open that Red Bull after all.

I popped open the tab and took a long drink, savoring the sweetness of the drink. I wished again that it was alcohol but I would have to content myself with just the comfort of the caffeine. Away from everyone at last, I sank down next to the railing holding the can in a death grip and put my head in my hand, shaking it slightly. I let a single tear roll down my cheek. I would have given anything to not be punished by Vance's assignment, Gibbs' non-objections, and Jeanne's eyes. I got myself back under control and forced myself to look at the sky, the horizon, full of limitless possibilities. Anything can happen, I reminded myself as I finished off the Red Bull. Anything at all.


End file.
